ears eyes nose [tail]

On December 1st we all got up early.  After breakfast we donned our best clothes, gussied up our hair, and hopped into our car to head for the county courthouse.  It was a little icy outside, befitting of the season.  We slipped our way into the courthouse and stood outside the appointed courtroom as we awaited our summons from the judge.  We had made it to the end of a very long journey.  This was the day that Malia would legally join our family forever.  We were giddy with excitement.

To say we were the happiest people waiting outside of the courtroom that day is an understatement.  From what we could gather, the judge’s morning was to be spent listening to some very bitter divorces settlements.  But, even these parties were not immune to the joy exuding from our family that morning.  Our kids brought smiles to every face we encountered.  It was kind of silly.

We were escorted to the judge’s chambers as soon as court was in session.  We were the first case of the day, and were heard in chambers as adoption cases are not on the public record.  As soon as we entered I exclaimed, “You were our judge for our son, too!”  The photo of Dustin, Jaden and I with this judge is in the “Jaden book” from which we talk about Jaden’s family story.  And now he will also be in the “Malia book”. 

The hearing was formal yet quick and ended with the words “I hereby grant this adoption”.  I thought my face was going to break with happiness.  For over two years we had been filling out legal forms all leading to this moment, when our lives were all legally brought together. 

We lined up for our photo together during which Jaden initially refused to look at the camera.  The judge bribed him by saying he could have a donut afterwards.  It is amazing how quickly that changed Jaden’s perspective.  After thanking the judge we left his chambers and went to an office area where Jaden took his pick of huge donuts.  He chose one with chocolate sprinkles.  He and Malia devoured it together.  What says “welcome to American citizenship” better than that?

To celebrate our family went to Target where Dustin and I got some coffee, and the kids each picked out a special ornament to commemorate the day.  For Jaden?  A fire truck.  Shocking.  For Malia?  A chocolate donut.  It hangs prominently on our tree reminding us happily of this day, as it will for years to come. 

We are a forever family at last.

Malia had her first haircut yesterday.  She is 19 months old and rocks a serious baby mullet.  The front quarter of her hair has just started to grow, giving the middle 50% a serious 1980s-style lead.  The final 25% is still thinking about leaving the starting line.  So, while the before and after photos are barely decipherable from the front, she had a good couple of inches taken off of the back.  The entire experience lasted less than five minutes.  She entertained herself by using the water spray bottle to douse her own face repeatedly. 

Before and after. I wasn't joking. It really is hard to tell a difference from the front.

 Jaden also got himself beautified.  His transformation is a little more dramatic.

This kid will do just about anything for candy. Halloween should work out alright this year.

Dear bloggity-blog-blog,

I apologize for my neglect of you these past months.  We welcomed a little girl into our home, and things kind of got turned upside down.  As my work at home increased exponentially, something had to give.  Actually, a lot had to give.  Our bags from Korea remained unpacked for two months.  My kitchen utensils are currently rusting from lack of use.  Jaden has eaten more processed food in these past four months than he had in the entirety of his previous three years.  I have killed a lot of plants outside as a result of sheer neglect.  I still haven’t cleaned out our garden, though snow is imminent in this part of the country.  My shower represents an ongoing science experiment from a lack of cleanliness.  Do you get the point?  You, dear blog, are not the only thing that has gone by the wayside.

What have I been doing?  Aside from keeping all of the ears, eyes, noses and tails in our home alive?  I have been attempting to nuture a relationship between two very small siblings.  And, after four months, I think there are glimmers of hope that this brother and sister will not always be at odds.  It was rough at first.  Malia would have done anything for Jaden’s attention.  And Jaden would have done anything to have his only-child status renewed.  It was rough at second.  At the end of August things still were not sorting out, and my patience was running sooooo thin.  I stopped calling myself “mom” and started carrying around a whistle.  Because, to be honest, I was a referee whenever both of the children were awake. 

But, as I look back at these months there has been a trend toward a more loving relationship.  I am not blinded by visions of grandeur.  I have two siblings of my own.  I know how much time I spent in my childhood loving them.  And I know how much time I spent hating them.  I can’t say that the balance ended up in the former’s category until I hit high school.  So, if Jaden takes two minutes out of his day to hold his sister’s hand on the stairs; or, if they stop wrestling for thirty seconds to give each other hugs; or, if they giggle with each other uncontrollable in the backseat of the car during a drive to the store — I am reassured.  They are normal.

Slowly, I find myself with just a few more minutes each day without someone needing me.  And I am reminded that there is a life outside of these walls of my home.  I want to reach back out and connect again.  So, bloggity-blog, I have come to you again. 

With my deepest apologies,

me

P.S. I have included some photo evidence of the blossoming sibling relationship.

Jaden pushing Malia on the swing. Kindly.

As long as Malia didn't ask for a turn pumping the water, things were fine.

Sometimes a little separation helps keep the peace. This is from Malia's first road trip. We went to Grandma Jeri's and Grandpa Gayle's house.

There is a grain elevator two blocks from grandma and grandpa's house. This was worthy of multiple field trips during our stay.

We have been home from Korea for two months now.  Malia has just turned seventeen months old.  Jaden is three years and some months old.  I am more months than I care to figure out right now. 

We are seven days away from Dustin having his first true vacation since Malia arrived. 

Five minutes is the average amount of time I can have both kids in the car before one (or both) starts to cry.

Three wounds are currently decorating Malia’s face.  One was completely gravity’s fault.  And the pesky chair that got in the way.  The two on her forehead are thanks to an older brother who is having a bit of a rough time adjusting to his sister always being around.

Twelve hours.  That is how long Malia slept last night.  And for the first time in many, many nights Dustin and I were able to get a full night’s rest. 

Seventy-five.  That is about where the temperature has been hanging out for over a week recently.  Beautiful.

Three.  The average number of parks we go to each day in light of the unseasonably awesome weather.

Two kids.  The exhilaration and daily challenges of this transition have been completely overwhelming in both good and not-so-good ways.  But, I am grateful for the yin-and-yang of the whole experience. 

One little house.  Our kids played here this morning together for almost fifteen minutes.  No one cried.  No one got hurt.  And there were lots and lots of smiles.  I love these two more than I can count.

Thank you, Uncle Jeff, for capturing me perfectly. 

I don’t have much coherent to say.  After traveling around the world to bring our family together, our world has gotten very small.   We stay at home.  Or go to parks.  Sometimes we go to the grocery store.  We went to the mall once.  Malia really needed some shoes.  We went to Culver’s that same day.   And survived. 

Overall we are doing much better than surviving.  Malia is learning a new language.  She already has three signs that she uses regularly.  And she has her own verbal version of “thank you”.  I could listen to it all day long.  Jaden is starting to realize that sisters are kind of fun.  Especially when they jump on the couch with you.  Or run around the house with you.  Or just scream in peals of laughter with you.  There is nothing that makes me feel more full than watching the two of them playing together happily.  It makes the 492 interventions/day worth it:  ”Jaden, you may not pick up your sister.  You cannot “help” her down the stairs.  You cannot take toys out of her hands….”

I just read a children’s tale in the latest Adoptive Families issue.  The author, Anne Cavanaugh Sawan, wrote a story called “The Very Best Day”.  It brought tears to my eyes because it rang so true.  The gist of it is — the best day is the one where you wake up and your child(ren) are home.   Each day, when I wake up, I am just so happy to have Malia home.  So each day, really and truly, is the best day. 

And now?  Some photos of our summer fun (a little heavy on Malia this time around).

During our first night in Seoul I had a nightmare.  The central theme of it was that I had not prepared at all for a toddler adoption.  I woke up and thought, “Crap.  My dream is right.  I’ve done nothing.”  Of course this isn’t true.  But what I hadn’t done was read anything by any expert on toddler adoption.  This is very unlike me.  I consumed parenting literature and adoption literature before and immediately after Jaden came home.  My dad had a mini-intervention at one point and told me to put the books down and to just start parenting.  So I did.  And, it worked.  Still, my doubts won out in Seoul.  Thanks to my good friend, Rachel (and Dave!), I had packed along the most highly recommended book from our agency entitled Toddler Adoption:  The Weaver’s Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best.  I read it in 48 hours in the midst of all of the other things we did there.  Then I felt more prepared.  I was ready for whatever little Malia Hyo-Min needed during her transition to our family.  Go me.

Turns out , I may have been overprepared.  Granted, I’m happy to have read the book and will continue to reference it.  But, Malia has just amazed me with her transition.  Yes, she grieved/is grieving.  No, she did not let me put her down for about 72 hours.  Yes, she shows anxiety towards strangers (in particular men).  No, she doesn’t really like new stimuli right now.  No, she isn’t eating quite as I would expect a 15-month-old to eat. 

But, on the whole?  This girl has blown me away with her ability to adapt and thrive in a very short span of time.

That first night she slept with us in Seoul she slept all night.  She did not wake up once.  Dustin and I just chuckled about how nice it would be if she didn’t have to make the time change.  How maybe without the long flight she would have the chance to be a good sleeper.  Well (is it too early to say this?) she is an unbelievable sleeper.  The first few nights she cried in the middle of the night for a little while.  That was totally expected and completely normal.  But, she would then fall back asleep.  And stay asleep.  She is sleeping for nearly 12 hours at night.  And taking a great afternoon nap.  I am dumbfounded.  The first few days I chalked it up to her coping with the change and her grief.  But it just keeps going.  I really hope I’m not jinxing something by writing this.

So a well rested Malia, means a decently well-rested me who is much more tolerant of Jaden’ s adjustment issues.  He has had some textbook reactions to his new role as the big brother.  I go back and forth between wanting just to hold him tight and remind him how much I love him, and wanting to flip out because of all of his attention-seeking behavior.  Sleep helps me avoid becoming “that mom” too often.

There is so much else I could say about how much I learn about Malia each day, but I’ll stay focused here for now.   Overall, she is doing really, really well.  And our family is growing into its new size nicely.

Some new toys from loving friends and grandparents have made the transition for Jaden a tad bit easier.  In case you were wondering?  Malia is not allowed to touch this dump truck.

We made it.  Through the first night in the hotel.  Through the bus ride to the airport in Seoul.  Through the L-O-N-G plane ride to Chicago.  Through the puddle jump to Minneapolis.  Through the car seat fiasco and car ride to our home.  We are here.  And very, very happy. 

There has been a lot of this going on:

And this:

And this:

Our family of four has been brought together by more people than I can ennumerate here with my jet lagged brain.  Gratitude abounds from my heart to all of those who gave so much to bring such a miracle to our home.

Dustin here (guest blogger)… while Ali tends to our daughter.  That’s right… forever family began 6 hours ago.  But, let’s start at the beginning…

Our day began at around 5:00am after a restless night of sleep .  It was as if we both had a lot on our minds or something.  We finished making preparations by taking inventory of the toys, bottles, clothes, diapers in our possession.  We weren’t entirely sure how we were going to make it until 1pm, when we were to gain custody of Malia.  Time was moving v-e-r-y  s-l-o-w-l-y…  By 9am we decided we were all set and set out on a few missions.  We stopped at a local coffee shop called Droptop (not kidding)… caffeine… we needed it!  Tick, tock, tick, tock…

10am, we proceeded to one of our favorite bookstores in Seoul that we found on our last trip, called Bandi and Luni at Jonggak Tower.  There, I resisted the urge to browse their extensive electronics section, and we stocked up on a ton kids books… many for Malia, and a few new ones for Jaden.  Most of them have both English and Korean and have some great pictures, pop-ups, touch n’ feel, etc.  One of Jaden’s books comes fully equipped with a full set of doctor’s tools including a stethoscope.  We think he will love it!  Tick, tock…

11am, we proceeded to a “blue-hair special” lunch (yes, we were the first customers) at an Indian restaurant right near the bookstore.  It is of special significance because we ate and enjoyed the food at this exact place when we were here two years ago to get Jaden.  It was one of the last meals we had together before we got custody of him.  So, again, we enjoyed some yummy Indian chicken tiki masala and nan bread.  Just the fuel we need to make it thru the next two hours. Tick, tock, tick, tock…

11:30, wow lunch went fast.  tick, tock… only one more long hour and 30 of those pesky minutes… we walked thru Insadong, sat and reflected.  Did my watch just start moving backwards?

At noon, we decided we could make our way to our agency.  We made it there by 12:30pm and our hearts were racing and full.  But we had made it.

I think for both of us, one of the main things on our minds were Malia’s foster mom and birth mother.  Both are amazing women who have done so much for one little girl.  Her foster mother…what an amazing, selfless, loving person that can give entirely more than a year of her life, for no other reason than to love and care for a child that needed it… and knowing that one day she would have to say this goodbye.  Words cannot describe the love, admiration, and respect we have for this care of our daughter.  We tried to show it to her, but know we fall short.  All we can do is continue to keep both Malia’s foster and birthmother in her thoughts through our stories and pictures, and hope that one day they get to meet again.

1pm came and we got our little girl.  A whirlwind of emotions, tears, happiness, sadness… we have done this once before with Jaden, Dr.Kim says a prayer for the children that are leaving Korea and wishes blessings on their lives, and all say their goodbyes.  It is one of the the most bittersweet moments we have ever experienced in our lives… now for a second time.

It is now 7pm and in a little over 12 hours for now, we leave for the airport and off to America.  We are anxious to get home to introduce Jaden to his new sister… now, we look forward to all the moments that lay ahead… each and every one.  tick, tock, tick, tock!

The last picture is for Jaden… he would be mad if we went this whole way without posting a cement truck and/or firetruck.  We’ll be home soon!

Yesterday Dustin and I had a meeting scheduled at Eastern (our adoption agency in Korea) at 10:20.  We arrived around 10.  I stepped into the main office to let them know we had arrived.  As I was waiting for someone to assist me, the door opened behind me.  In walked Malia’s foster mom, with Malia on her back.  My heart just stopped.  There she was, happy as a clam.  I stood there, frozen. Her foster mom started chatting with another foster mother, and soon a social worker asked me who my social worker was.  I said “I don’t know” (true answer, we’ve had two and little to no contact with either).  She then asked who my child was.  I said, “Hyo Min” and my eyes went directly to her.  As soon as I said her name, her foster mom looked at me with recognition, smiled broadly and immediately took Hyo Min off her back.  She put my little girl into my arms.   Malia sat there, perfectly content, and grabbed ahold of my finger.  She just let me hold her as her foster mom went and talked with another worker.  Quickly she made up a “squeeze the finger” game.  I could have held her forever right there.

Then I remembered that my husband probably wanted to share in this moment.  So I stuck my head out into the hallway (I wasn’t about to put Malia down) and beckoned him to come in.  His eyes just about popped out of his head when I said, “Look who I found.”  We could only be with her a few moments then, as she needed to go into the doctor’s clinic for a final check-up before our official meeting.

We then went back into the “holding cell” at the back of the main office to receive Malia’s travel papers.  We were told that our social worker had just went on maternity leave, so we were going to have a stand-in translate our official meeting with Malia’s foster mom.  We were then ushered into a room on the 2nd floor.  On the way we did sneak a peek into the doctor’s office and saw Malia pushing around a Cozy Coupe.  Maybe she really likes cars?  If so, she will LOVE Jaden’s stash at home.

She came into our meeting room with her foster mom a few minutes later.  Over the course of the next 30 minutes I listened (through a translator) to all of things we need to know about Malia’s diet, sleep schedule, personality quirks and her likes/dislikes.  (One of her big dislikes?  Dogs.  Oh crap.)  Her foster mom brought out the “Goodnight Moon” recordable book that we had sent for Malia’s first birthday.  Malia has listened to it so much that the binding has broken.  She loves it.  We are going to bring it home with us.  We also found out that she sucks her fingers when she is tired or just waking up.  We found out she likes the blanket I knit her, and that will come home with us too.  I wrote down as much as I could, but at the same time I just wanted to soak her in knowing we would have to leave very soon.

Thankfully, Dustin’s parents had hooked us up with some baby crackers that are a hit with their grand-nephew.  When I brought those out, Malia shot right over to me.  She munched on them the entire meeting.  Whenever she ran out she would toddle over to get another bite.  She let me pick her up, and even sat on my lap for a little while.  She also went to Dustin, after the slightest hesitation.  Her lack of anxiety around us was more than we could have hoped for at our first meeting.

After a gift exchange with Malia’s foster mom and a few more questions, we had to go to meet the President of the Eastern Social Welfare Agency.  We were told to stop by the office after we shared lunch with some other adoptive families to decide when to exchange custody.

Dr. Jin-Sook Kim met with us and another adoptive family (also from Minnesota) for about thirty minutes.  In a very heartfelt manner she explained the work of her father’s agency over the past forty years. It was very touching and gave me an even greater appreciation for the work of herself and her father.  They are truly amazing people.  We then shared lunch with the other adoptive family.  We were joined by three other adoptive families and their grown children who were visiting Eastern on a birthland tour.  It was all just so powerful.  Our heads were spinning with different emotions by the end of this morning.

Finally we stopped by the office and decided to take custody of Malia on Wednesday (tomorrow!) at 1 pm.  She will come back with us to the hotel, and then we will go to the airport on Thursday morning.  We did not do this with Jaden, so we will be in unchartered territory tomorrow afternoon.  I am so very nervous.  Pretty much anything could happen.  But, at the same time, I am so excited that I am questioning whether or not I can sleep tonight.  I guess I should try pretty hard, right?  This could be my last chance for a good night’s sleep for a very, very long time!