ears eyes nose [tail]

 A year ago we all met together at an airport.  We were a family.  Finally, but not entirely.  We were still strangers.  Dustin and I were over-the-moon with happiness to finally bring our daughter home.  Jaden was confused, excited, and (more times than not) angry at the toddler we introduced to his happy home.  Malia was shocked, grieving, and just plain confused by her whole new world.   Day by day we have all adjusted to each other.   And somehow, a year later, we all know one another better than any other people in the world.  We give each other our bests and our worsts, and at the end of each day we hug and kiss and do it all over again the next day.  It is better than I could have imagined, our family of four.  Entirely.

Happy Family Day, little Malia.  You have no idea how you have changed us all.

For Malia’s 2nd birthday she was surrounded by who and what she loves.  There were polka dots everywhere.  On her clothes, her balloons, her cake, her napkins, and her Minnie Mouse gifts.  There was lots of good Malia food:  pastries for breakfast, hot dogs for dinner, chocolate milk to drink, and cake with ice cream for dessert.  Yum.  She had phone calls from grandparents, and visits from friends.  We had a party with neighbors.  And she got lots of fun gifts (as well as several outfits with tulle).  All in all, she had a fantastic day.

Of course I was overly emotional with the arrival of her birthday.  This was her first birthday with us.  Counting her birth day she has had three such days in her short life, each with a different mother.  That is pretty powerful.  Without a doubt, love for Malia spanned the globe on this day.  That both fills and hurts my heart.  I so wish all her mothers could see how amazing she is.  I am so lucky to be the one to kiss her good night and wish her the happiest of days.  How I love this special girl…

This little girl…

…has been home for eight months.

…makes me laugh from the minute she is awake with her goofiness.

…sleeps A LOT.  Unless she is sick.  Then, watch out.

…can eat.  and eat.  and eat.

…knows so many words.  And if she doesn’t know it she has mastered the art of “point and scream”.

…is beautiful.  So, so beautiful.

…is testing my parenting skills.  I am re-learning how the two-year-old mind is more powerful than one might think.

…can seriously dance.

…scratches her brother and parents entirely too often.  We are hoping this is “just a phase” that ends SOON!

…did I mention she has a temper?

…can cuddle and snuggle with the best of them.

…is extremely independent.

…makes me melt.  There just aren’t words.

…makes our family whole.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

On December 1st we all got up early.  After breakfast we donned our best clothes, gussied up our hair, and hopped into our car to head for the county courthouse.  It was a little icy outside, befitting of the season.  We slipped our way into the courthouse and stood outside the appointed courtroom as we awaited our summons from the judge.  We had made it to the end of a very long journey.  This was the day that Malia would legally join our family forever.  We were giddy with excitement.

To say we were the happiest people waiting outside of the courtroom that day is an understatement.  From what we could gather, the judge’s morning was to be spent listening to some very bitter divorces settlements.  But, even these parties were not immune to the joy exuding from our family that morning.  Our kids brought smiles to every face we encountered.  It was kind of silly.

We were escorted to the judge’s chambers as soon as court was in session.  We were the first case of the day, and were heard in chambers as adoption cases are not on the public record.  As soon as we entered I exclaimed, “You were our judge for our son, too!”  The photo of Dustin, Jaden and I with this judge is in the “Jaden book” from which we talk about Jaden’s family story.  And now he will also be in the “Malia book”. 

The hearing was formal yet quick and ended with the words “I hereby grant this adoption”.  I thought my face was going to break with happiness.  For over two years we had been filling out legal forms all leading to this moment, when our lives were all legally brought together. 

We lined up for our photo together during which Jaden initially refused to look at the camera.  The judge bribed him by saying he could have a donut afterwards.  It is amazing how quickly that changed Jaden’s perspective.  After thanking the judge we left his chambers and went to an office area where Jaden took his pick of huge donuts.  He chose one with chocolate sprinkles.  He and Malia devoured it together.  What says “welcome to American citizenship” better than that?

To celebrate our family went to Target where Dustin and I got some coffee, and the kids each picked out a special ornament to commemorate the day.  For Jaden?  A fire truck.  Shocking.  For Malia?  A chocolate donut.  It hangs prominently on our tree reminding us happily of this day, as it will for years to come. 

We are a forever family at last.

Malia had her first haircut yesterday.  She is 19 months old and rocks a serious baby mullet.  The front quarter of her hair has just started to grow, giving the middle 50% a serious 1980s-style lead.  The final 25% is still thinking about leaving the starting line.  So, while the before and after photos are barely decipherable from the front, she had a good couple of inches taken off of the back.  The entire experience lasted less than five minutes.  She entertained herself by using the water spray bottle to douse her own face repeatedly. 

Before and after. I wasn't joking. It really is hard to tell a difference from the front.

 Jaden also got himself beautified.  His transformation is a little more dramatic.

This kid will do just about anything for candy. Halloween should work out alright this year.

Dear bloggity-blog-blog,

I apologize for my neglect of you these past months.  We welcomed a little girl into our home, and things kind of got turned upside down.  As my work at home increased exponentially, something had to give.  Actually, a lot had to give.  Our bags from Korea remained unpacked for two months.  My kitchen utensils are currently rusting from lack of use.  Jaden has eaten more processed food in these past four months than he had in the entirety of his previous three years.  I have killed a lot of plants outside as a result of sheer neglect.  I still haven’t cleaned out our garden, though snow is imminent in this part of the country.  My shower represents an ongoing science experiment from a lack of cleanliness.  Do you get the point?  You, dear blog, are not the only thing that has gone by the wayside.

What have I been doing?  Aside from keeping all of the ears, eyes, noses and tails in our home alive?  I have been attempting to nuture a relationship between two very small siblings.  And, after four months, I think there are glimmers of hope that this brother and sister will not always be at odds.  It was rough at first.  Malia would have done anything for Jaden’s attention.  And Jaden would have done anything to have his only-child status renewed.  It was rough at second.  At the end of August things still were not sorting out, and my patience was running sooooo thin.  I stopped calling myself “mom” and started carrying around a whistle.  Because, to be honest, I was a referee whenever both of the children were awake. 

But, as I look back at these months there has been a trend toward a more loving relationship.  I am not blinded by visions of grandeur.  I have two siblings of my own.  I know how much time I spent in my childhood loving them.  And I know how much time I spent hating them.  I can’t say that the balance ended up in the former’s category until I hit high school.  So, if Jaden takes two minutes out of his day to hold his sister’s hand on the stairs; or, if they stop wrestling for thirty seconds to give each other hugs; or, if they giggle with each other uncontrollable in the backseat of the car during a drive to the store — I am reassured.  They are normal.

Slowly, I find myself with just a few more minutes each day without someone needing me.  And I am reminded that there is a life outside of these walls of my home.  I want to reach back out and connect again.  So, bloggity-blog, I have come to you again. 

With my deepest apologies,

me

P.S. I have included some photo evidence of the blossoming sibling relationship.

Jaden pushing Malia on the swing. Kindly.

As long as Malia didn't ask for a turn pumping the water, things were fine.

Sometimes a little separation helps keep the peace. This is from Malia's first road trip. We went to Grandma Jeri's and Grandpa Gayle's house.

There is a grain elevator two blocks from grandma and grandpa's house. This was worthy of multiple field trips during our stay.

We have been home from Korea for two months now.  Malia has just turned seventeen months old.  Jaden is three years and some months old.  I am more months than I care to figure out right now. 

We are seven days away from Dustin having his first true vacation since Malia arrived. 

Five minutes is the average amount of time I can have both kids in the car before one (or both) starts to cry.

Three wounds are currently decorating Malia’s face.  One was completely gravity’s fault.  And the pesky chair that got in the way.  The two on her forehead are thanks to an older brother who is having a bit of a rough time adjusting to his sister always being around.

Twelve hours.  That is how long Malia slept last night.  And for the first time in many, many nights Dustin and I were able to get a full night’s rest. 

Seventy-five.  That is about where the temperature has been hanging out for over a week recently.  Beautiful.

Three.  The average number of parks we go to each day in light of the unseasonably awesome weather.

Two kids.  The exhilaration and daily challenges of this transition have been completely overwhelming in both good and not-so-good ways.  But, I am grateful for the yin-and-yang of the whole experience. 

One little house.  Our kids played here this morning together for almost fifteen minutes.  No one cried.  No one got hurt.  And there were lots and lots of smiles.  I love these two more than I can count.

Thank you, Uncle Jeff, for capturing me perfectly. 

I don’t have much coherent to say.  After traveling around the world to bring our family together, our world has gotten very small.   We stay at home.  Or go to parks.  Sometimes we go to the grocery store.  We went to the mall once.  Malia really needed some shoes.  We went to Culver’s that same day.   And survived. 

Overall we are doing much better than surviving.  Malia is learning a new language.  She already has three signs that she uses regularly.  And she has her own verbal version of “thank you”.  I could listen to it all day long.  Jaden is starting to realize that sisters are kind of fun.  Especially when they jump on the couch with you.  Or run around the house with you.  Or just scream in peals of laughter with you.  There is nothing that makes me feel more full than watching the two of them playing together happily.  It makes the 492 interventions/day worth it:  ”Jaden, you may not pick up your sister.  You cannot “help” her down the stairs.  You cannot take toys out of her hands….”

I just read a children’s tale in the latest Adoptive Families issue.  The author, Anne Cavanaugh Sawan, wrote a story called “The Very Best Day”.  It brought tears to my eyes because it rang so true.  The gist of it is — the best day is the one where you wake up and your child(ren) are home.   Each day, when I wake up, I am just so happy to have Malia home.  So each day, really and truly, is the best day. 

And now?  Some photos of our summer fun (a little heavy on Malia this time around).

During our first night in Seoul I had a nightmare.  The central theme of it was that I had not prepared at all for a toddler adoption.  I woke up and thought, “Crap.  My dream is right.  I’ve done nothing.”  Of course this isn’t true.  But what I hadn’t done was read anything by any expert on toddler adoption.  This is very unlike me.  I consumed parenting literature and adoption literature before and immediately after Jaden came home.  My dad had a mini-intervention at one point and told me to put the books down and to just start parenting.  So I did.  And, it worked.  Still, my doubts won out in Seoul.  Thanks to my good friend, Rachel (and Dave!), I had packed along the most highly recommended book from our agency entitled Toddler Adoption:  The Weaver’s Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best.  I read it in 48 hours in the midst of all of the other things we did there.  Then I felt more prepared.  I was ready for whatever little Malia Hyo-Min needed during her transition to our family.  Go me.

Turns out , I may have been overprepared.  Granted, I’m happy to have read the book and will continue to reference it.  But, Malia has just amazed me with her transition.  Yes, she grieved/is grieving.  No, she did not let me put her down for about 72 hours.  Yes, she shows anxiety towards strangers (in particular men).  No, she doesn’t really like new stimuli right now.  No, she isn’t eating quite as I would expect a 15-month-old to eat. 

But, on the whole?  This girl has blown me away with her ability to adapt and thrive in a very short span of time.

That first night she slept with us in Seoul she slept all night.  She did not wake up once.  Dustin and I just chuckled about how nice it would be if she didn’t have to make the time change.  How maybe without the long flight she would have the chance to be a good sleeper.  Well (is it too early to say this?) she is an unbelievable sleeper.  The first few nights she cried in the middle of the night for a little while.  That was totally expected and completely normal.  But, she would then fall back asleep.  And stay asleep.  She is sleeping for nearly 12 hours at night.  And taking a great afternoon nap.  I am dumbfounded.  The first few days I chalked it up to her coping with the change and her grief.  But it just keeps going.  I really hope I’m not jinxing something by writing this.

So a well rested Malia, means a decently well-rested me who is much more tolerant of Jaden’ s adjustment issues.  He has had some textbook reactions to his new role as the big brother.  I go back and forth between wanting just to hold him tight and remind him how much I love him, and wanting to flip out because of all of his attention-seeking behavior.  Sleep helps me avoid becoming “that mom” too often.

There is so much else I could say about how much I learn about Malia each day, but I’ll stay focused here for now.   Overall, she is doing really, really well.  And our family is growing into its new size nicely.

Some new toys from loving friends and grandparents have made the transition for Jaden a tad bit easier.  In case you were wondering?  Malia is not allowed to touch this dump truck.